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as she walks through the forests
of unborn leaves
Maybe, just maybe
she'll one day help them live

And walking through that forest of unborn leaves
Maybe, just maybe
she'll one day reach the other end

And as she walks through that end
Maybe, just maybe
there is no maybe:

Be no unborn leaves
Be no end
Be nothing
but a long walk to nowhere

As she walks through the forest of nothing that ends
Maybe, just maybe
this is all her life
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Jun. 17th, 2005 @ 01:28 am friends only
this journal is now friends only, and i have converted my most recent ones to become so (if someone can tell me how to convert archived entries, or perhaps all of them into "friends only" that would be great).

i have created a new public journal, which is [info]ericamoocow.

see ya around!
--moocow
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Apr. 7th, 2005 @ 03:15 am yay!!!
i feel like things are lovely
and as a result
i love them

yayyyy for loveliness!
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May. 23rd, 2004 @ 02:32 am greetings from the east!
Current Mood: tipsy
Current Music: hinterland--tiger tiger
so i'm back (been back for a while). i've made it a point to disappear off the face of the earth in light of a bunch of shit that comes with growing up. so i just throught i'd check in on that note, for anyone who at least keeps track of my posts.

and speaking of posts, i doubt i'll be making many more in the future. frankly, i have better things to do with my time (not to insult anyone that still uses it--whatever floats you boat. depersonalized online correspondance is just no longer my thing. i have a personal journal and sketchbook, and i find it redundant to therefore put things online, other than to correspond with my friends. and i think that it's also stupid for me to use such an impersonal method to do so. if people really want to find out how i'm doing, they'll take the innitiative to speak to me through some direct means, like call me or something. otherwise, it's not worth my time, as i'm a busy lad and have a shitload of better things to do).

to all my friends: no, i have not been reading ur lj's. i figure if things happen that are so important, you'll tell me yourselves as opposed to make me go to the trouble of browsing through the endless mindless posts that constitute a friendspage, and therefore having to find out about your phenomenal perspective through some impersonal online post. and if there's a sensation you are experiencing, i figure u'll also share that with me and read me your poetry, or whatnot. (i'm not insulting people. what ever floats you boat--all i'm saying is if you want to talk to me, talk to me). and vice versa if you want to find out about me. i guess i've just come to the conclusion that technology reduces the qualitative aspect of our lives, and i jsut don't feel that it's cathartic in any way relevant for me to occupy my time with it. i'm a busy girl, and friendship is a two-way street, not a few clicks on a keyboard.

in addition, i guess i've gotten used to a more personalized form of contact. i barely ever have to use online correspondance as a result. i do still go on msn to speak to friends of mine that are overseas or in vancouver, or other places that are long distance, so u can still communicate with me through that. but if you live in toronto, i figure people will get off their asses and make a call or come over (if that's not too much to ask in this day in age).

i want to know what's going on with you all, so if you want, talk to me; i'm more than willing to listen.

happy trails and mountains (damn i miss my mountain! i may move to vancouver permanently!!! yayyyyyyy!)
--moocow
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Mar. 27th, 2004 @ 03:11 pm euphoria
and i'm in love with the world
and i'm in love with you
and i'm in love with the way
that i'm in love with myself

in love with my mind
that it is in love with the hate
which is in love with the love
of the hate in this world

in love that u can see it
in love that u can feel it
in love with yourself
for being one with hate
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Mar. 23rd, 2004 @ 11:27 pm goodness
a bad beginning
with a good end

(i like that combination)

maybe this day is merely a forshadowment of a general trend within my life...

i'm in a good mood:
thoughts are beautiful
people (well, some of them) are beautiful
my surroundings are beautiful
art is beautiful
and i feel beautiful for seeing it
and feeling it
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Mar. 14th, 2004 @ 11:35 pm for anyone who's keeping track
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: blonde readhead--in particular
this is my first post in a while...


i think about myself--now
i am ok

i refelct on myself--retrospective
i am a mess


as another weekend of no productivity comes to a close
i loathe myself even more
my profs tell me to take it easy
so do my docs
so do my friends
they don't see that the problem is that that is exactly the problem

the scars on my arms are still there
i made them to remind myself
but i only forgot
probably because they were put there to let others know i was in pain

now, i need a new scar
just to remind me
of the fuckup i have become
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Feb. 25th, 2004 @ 05:58 pm falling apart
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: nine inch nails--persistance of loss
i lost count of the number of times i cried today
i lost count of the number of times i have felt this before
i lost count of the number of times i told myself the same words
i lost count of the number of times i hurt myself even more


it's all i can do to leave this room...so long as i stay here, nothing bad will happen.

in my bed, i am safe.

i want my mommy
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Feb. 8th, 2004 @ 03:08 am the life i've left
Current Mood: high
Current Music: push3--sounds of life

I read the lj's of peeps from toronto from a life that has passed

I realize my connection to my life now, here in bc, and i realize furthermore that i don't want to go back. this is my home.

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Feb. 2nd, 2004 @ 11:11 pm lack of oxygen
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: signal to noise ratio
i got back some test results from some blood work i had done a few weeks ago:

i'm HIGHLY anemic. my iron level is 5, and it should be 20. it explains why i am always so tired, and why i can never wake up (when i go to sleep, i pass out).

i spent more money than i ever did on groceries today--over $50 worth of stuff that will probably only last me a week. maybe it'll be longer.

i can feel the deoxygenated blood in my body, and the wear and tear it has undergone. yet i get some sort of a high out of knowing that i am pushing it beyond its feasible limits. poor erica's body--i'm glad i'm not her.
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Jan. 28th, 2004 @ 09:32 pm too afraid
i'm too afraid to cry
because i fear that once i start, i won't stop

i'm too afraid to examine
because i fear that once i see, i will be blinded

i'm too afraid to think
because i fear that once i think, it will get worse

i'm too afraid to stop
because i fear that once i stop, i'll have no where to go

and i'm too afraid to move on
because i fear that once i move on, what's left will be nothing

and i'm too afraid to work
because i fear that once i work, the unhealed wounds will refuse to clot

and i'm too afraid to escape
because once i escape, all will be forgotten

cuz i'm too afraid to feel
because once i feel, i'll cease to be

i simply don't know what to do
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Jan. 22nd, 2004 @ 11:09 pm my niche
amanda asked me how i do it all. i told her the truth: it's all i have, it's my lifeline.

i have a cold, but it's bearable. i left after-hours early so i could go home, take care of stuff i'm doing for a presentation on queer history tomorrow, and relax. maybe go to sleep at a decent time.

i was in a meeting with the finance committee here at the university. i think it was successful. best of all, i felt purposeful.

at after-hours, a woman thanked me. i asked for what. she said for educating young people, and for doing so much.

if only i could do just as much for myself...

i miss the studio. my calling is my life there, and my life in student politics. my room is getting messy. i think if i clean it up, i will in turn clean up my life.

i'm always being victimized by other people. i wonder what it takes to be thought of as more than merely another person.

my mother was worried about me. she called me. she asked me if everything was allright. i told her it was. then i remembered that i was sick. i told her that. when i did, she seemed relieved...she knows when i'm sick, even if i'm across the country.

funny...life's funny in it's own fucked up way
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Jan. 14th, 2004 @ 11:33 pm what erica needs right now
erica needs....

a man with a romantic interest to approve of her. this approval is not for the sake of validation, or anything like that. it's so i can stop being paranoid.

i need a man to for once tell me "you're cute" or "you're great" or something, regardless of his intentions, simply because i want to know that i am desirable.

i don't feel desirable. my friendships with men here are minimal, and the lack of contact is taking its toll...

why aren't i special anymore? and why, whenever i try to confront the issue regarding someone's neglect, it always works its way against me?
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Jan. 11th, 2004 @ 06:05 pm even deeper
Current Mood: disconnected
Current Music: nin--even deeper
i woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of my footsteps
from where i ran away

it seems everything i heard just might be true
and you know me (well you think you do)
sometimes i have everything
(yet i wish i felt something)

do you know how far this has come?
just how damaged have i become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper

in a dream i'm a different me
a perfect you
we fit perfectly
for once in my life i feel complete
and i still wanna ruin it

afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway
i hear them call
i cannot stay
the voice inviting me away

do u know how far this has gone?
just how damaged i have become?
when i think i can overcome
it runs even deeper

everything that matters is gone
all the hands of hope have withdrawn
could you try to help me hang on?
it runs

i'm straight
i won't crack
on my way and i can't turn back

i'm okay
i'm on track
on my way and i can't turn back

i stayed
on this track
gone too far and i can't turn back

i stayed
on this track
lost my way
can't come back
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Jan. 11th, 2004 @ 02:21 am the *if* game
if i weren't me, then everyone would talk about me..."erica the genius" as it always was. but no--i scream, shout, speak, u don't notice

i'm nothing now

i hate the things that weigh me down

i just hate my life

(shhh...the silence of no reply...cuz a genuine person does more than scroll down the screen upon reading this; they realize there's more to it)

test
test
test
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Jan. 10th, 2004 @ 02:44 am there for you
the world dies around me
suffers from too much life
but i love
off of the fact that i can help

i love helping
helping is even more fun
than any fun i would have as the recipient
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Jan. 5th, 2004 @ 02:38 pm no means no
and it doesn't give anyone a right to hate me for it
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Jan. 4th, 2004 @ 11:23 am mornings
Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: grateful dead--railroad blues
i love mornings. you have just woken up, and your mind is fresh, clear from past burdens. like a new baby born into the world for the first time, i wake up into a new day. and so long as that day is new, and nothing has happened, there is nothing to worry about.

i can now see that i massively overreacted to small things. that i was merely clinging to the affection in the room. it is like my mother said: you can't have it all. just take what you can get, and then leave. but i couldn't accept that: i wanted to make things more difficult, and opened a pandora's box and then cried for opening. but i think i was crying that he wasn't there when I realized that.

i am calling matt today to apologize. i think i would feel much better if there was a friendship component outside of my bedroom. perhaps if we went out to a show or something...

it's a beautiful sunny day outside: i am looking at the snowcapped mountains behind the bare trees, littered by the wildlife that still remains (the rest have found shelter). and i feel like that new baby born into the world--innocent and pure. today is a new day. a clearer day. i will clean my house, watch football, have a few drinks, and get ready for school tomorrow.

today is a new day, tomorrow is a new semester. and this time, i won't get sick. :)
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Jan. 1st, 2004 @ 09:36 am regrets
life is full of regrets. it is ironic that my first few hours in the new year were merely microcosms of what i was faced with in the previous year. it is a good thing that i do not believe in linear properties for time, and thus find new years to be of little significance (though i take part in the festivities), or else i should be weary of the year to come.

in the 2 weeks i've been in toronto, i should have been expecting an emotional meltdown regarding my relationship with my parents. it's a shame it came last nite, when i was irrational and with sandor. and now i am full of regrets that i have no time to regret.

i had a dream about matt last nite. i had a dream that i got sick and he helped me. i do not like the vulnerable girl that i have become--one in need of a protector. perhaps it is that i have been defending myself alone for 18 years, and now i just want something to ease that burden. Odd, that all these years, I have been defending myself against a version of myself.

misery and regret is derived from an overwhelming need to make life and the moments that comprise it a perfection; that each element of time has a significance addressed to it. we create our own problems.

i am tired of thinking: i just want to BE!
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Dec. 31st, 2003 @ 10:04 am new years and other shit
in the case that matt fooled around with someone else, i now have leverage *phewf*

in 2 days i'll be home...

tonight is new years. I am going out with shelagh, samantha, and meeting up with sandor and hopefully mel and raq. We'll be going to this bar that is having a Hawaii-party theme. Fun times. Anyone that wants to join, let me know! the more the merrier.

my ma is currently fascinated with a pot

i saw lord of the rings last nite. good movie

my ma made me get my hair restyled. I'm hoping that it will be back to my shoulders b4 i put it into dreads.

am i a slut for cheating on my fuck buddy?
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Dec. 26th, 2003 @ 08:03 pm a message for EVERYONE
so i came
i added physical merit to the statement "i miss you"
i took action and i came down
i left one life, just so i could complete what was missing from yours

so i've been here for one week? and what have you done? nothing
ur hollow words of "welcome back" are going to be enough to pay for my $750 trip
ur robotic inquiries into my activities are going to alleviate the paranoa bred from the life i left behind

and what did i leave it behind for?
nothing

thank you toronto:
you have proved to me that i am invisible
and that your love for me
is merely a hollow formality
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